Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

One Man's Quandary; One Woman's Attempt at Being Oprah.

I have a good guy friend in his late 40's who has never been married. He's not the only one I know - certainly, lots of great guys at mid-life haven't yet darkened the doors of the local Harry Winston in preparation for a love declaration.

But this gent is one of my very favorites. 

Over the several-year course of our friendship, he and I have delved with some regularity into the "why" behind his self-professed fear of commitment. 

He's a tremendous guy - intelligent, witty, handsome, masculine, ambitious and successful in his work. He's a multi-lingual Renaissance man who (I can personally attest) dances AND drives with confidence and style.

He's straight and great and…scared to death that he'll stink at communicating with his Forever Love and that the Big Relationship will go south as a result.

He occasionally opens up about wanting something a little deeper relationally - a long-term commitment, a marriage. We discuss all of this via email. 

Tidy. Safe.

To me, the idea of a man with great success in all areas of his life with the exception of the one that requires all of him - I don't know - I just want to see him Go For It. 

This gentleman friend recently encouraged me to publish in my blog the following email I sent him, which was part of our latest dialogue on commitment. 

He consistently has great ideas and insights for my life, so I'm going to do as he says.

Sooo…following was my email to him:

"At a polo match yesterday, I had the interesting fortune to be seated next to a couple that has been married 54 years. Their son was the host of the charity event. The parents had flown in from Louisiana to bring Andouille sausage for the pre-party gumbo, and to solidly participate in his life. Kinda beautiful. 

What also struck me was that this couple, after three kids, many moves, the Air Force and lots of living, was still very much in love. Wow.

I caught the husband (still handsome and with mischievous eyes in his late 70's) WINK at his wife in that 'girl I dig you and you are fine' way.

And she was gorgeous and totally beamed when he did that. It was magical and I wish I could tattoo my own arm with that moment so that I don't forget that what I want sat next to me. 

Like you, I too, for many years, would never fully give myself to love. I would watch someone develop feelings for me with a combination of happiness and dread.

My ability to hang in past the initial dating euphoria stage was severely limited by my inability to believe that satisfying love was made for me. 

I can tell you now from a couple of experiences that whole-hearted love and honesty is definitely terrifying in the 'jumping off the diving board’ portion.

I was so prone to locking up, looking at the warm water below and muttering crap-crap-crap! with fear in my throat...but once you're in the air, it's an intoxication worth any price. 

Love actually rewards courage. It doesn't guarantee outcomes, but that's what makes it exciting and fresh and personal every time. 

I've been crushed and cut by broken love, but the scars are, once healed, something that actually straightens one's spine.

You'd think that heart-hurt would deplete you over the long term, but in actuality, loving shows you what you're made of.

Far beyond work or adventure of any kind, love offers the greatest highs, the deepest teachings, the peace of understanding who you are."

Love,

-Melinda

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Photo Credits:

‘sorry NO’: ICHIRO/Digital Vision/Getty Images

‘Outstretched Hand and Cage’: Yasuhide Fumoto/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Lose The Wait

Being real with God is much like working out - you always feel better afterwards; you never regret the time spent.

The experience of running an inquisitive, wildly honest hand along that cord between you and God - well, it changes things. 

And when you postpone or shelve it - when you tell yourself you're too busy for good abs or a forgiving heart - you suffer. 

From lethargy. From stifled emotions. From the heaviness - physical and emotional - of your own being. 

Its obscenely simple: if we regularly invest in ourselves and in what is vibrantly good to and for us, we flourish. There is no other outcome for those actions. 

That's kind of reassuring. 

Soooo...turn off the TV. Your iPod. Your to-do list. 

If you're at work, close your computer. Take a deep breath. 

Take a 10-minute walk. Don't take anyone with you.

Talk to God. 

Leave behind any formal language. Just talk to him like you would an old friend - the kind that will take you to the ER at 2am without complaint. 

Talk about what hurts and stinks and makes you crazy - and what is working. 

Let down your guard. 

Be open to whatever happens next. It could be adventure; it could be stillness. 

It will be just what you need. 

He carries that 'what you need' with Him all day and just waits for you to ask. 

Isn't that weird, in a way? All the power in the universe, yet He wants to connect. With you. With me. 

He loves us free of all the garbage and complication that human love contains. You don't have to temper, modify or sugar up your words. You can let go.

Not a bad Guy. Not a bad Guy. 

He's safe. 

And thus, so are you. 

Go for a walk. 

Love,

-Melinda

Photo Credit: Tamao Funahashi. http://www.flickr.com/photos/tamjpn/201448749/

Artwork: Yoshitomo Nara

Juicy Le Fleur!

You’re surely familiar with the near-trite encouragement to “make lemonade from lemons” and other “turn your funky situation into something fabulous”-type positive thoughts.

For me personally, it goes like this: “Do we have a challenge? Let’s invent a solution and eat delicious things while we do it!” It’s my approach, at least.

This explains why I found myself in the kitchen not too long ago, munching granola and pondering the fate of my fading fresh-cut flowers.

Brunch at my place had been the week prior.

A bevvy of blooms now appeared poopy-droopy and in need of a facelift. Pronto.

I removed them from their tall vase on the dining table, cut the stems short so they could gobble fresh water, and popped them into my ceramic ‘lemon juicer’ pitcher. It was my first time to use the little lovely for a vase.

On it’s last kitchen adventure, the juicer had made lemon bars. Today, its job was to extend the life of my flowers by another week. : )

The charming gizmo came home with me about a year ago from one of my favorite stores in the universe– Anthropologie. They stock miracles there. In addition to the softest, flattering t-shirts, colorful dresses and AG Jeans for girls with hips, Anthro carries such fab-fun goods for your home.

I’m smitten.

When I discovered that they don’t currently stock my little blue juicer, I did some happy research online and found three oh-so-scrumptious juicers for your consideration…

Oooo-weee! I loved this project!

Following are cheery (hello, spring!) options from Amazon, eBay and Etsy…along with my humbly proffered ideas on flowers with which to gleefully stuff them!

Enjoy!

Amazon

Tell me – what can’t you find on sweet Amazon? I envision this blue and white toile porcelain juicer filled with red ranunculus - blooms so easy to find in the floral section of almost any grocery store right now. 

This toile darling is under $30, shipping included!

eBay

Fab vintage juicer, sooo stinkin’ cute and only $24.89! It positively begs for big pink peonies!

Pink and green – it’s preppy heaven…just casually arrange your pearls at the base of the pitcher and voila! A centerpiece fit for the show Mad Men.

Etsy

Gorgeous glazed juicer – punchy color!

Would look amazing with purple flowers. Like anemones! This model is only $19.97 and hand-made. 

Note: Photo is a tad blurry, but Seller is new to Etsy, so please cut her some slack – and buy her juicer! She sounds precious. There’s a smiley face in her product description and heart and soul in her work! Love! And 10% of proceeds go to her local food bank!

No time to stop for “juicer flowers” on the way home? Just toss in a love note to yourself (“Hello, Sexy!”), some favorite inspirational quotes…or leave a poem for your main squeeze (“You’re tart like lemons, sweet like pie, how I love you, my-oh-my!”).

Tasty!

Love,

Melinda

Photo Credits:

Blue & White Toile Pitcher: Amazon.com

Red Ranunculus: KevinSummersPhotography.com

‘Good Morning’ Juicer Pitcher: eBay.com

Pink Peony: ABloomInTime.net

Red Juicer Pitcher: Etsy.com

Purple Anemones: MagnoliaBox.com; Photographer: Assaf Frank

Boarding Passes, Please.

Some days, you just need someone to talk to. To hear you out. To offer counsel that sounds both brilliant and completely do-able.

I’m blessed with some precious friends like that. They possess that rare trifecta of heart, smarts and guts that makes them irreplaceable!

I had breakfast with one of them recently - a college friend who travels the globe as a VP for a Fortune 500 company. Married. Two children. Whip-smart.

She shared eggs and pancakes with me as I 'verbally processed' a situation.

I always feel a bit like I’ve had a visit with Condoleezza Rice after a talk with her. I leave with notes. She’s that good.

Our conversation eventually turned to business. She works in the travel industry, and commented that morning that “some of our customers are tourists – while others are travelers.”

Ohhhh…that struck me!

Look around: you're aware of the people in your life that will only dip their tippy-toes into experiences with you, and intentionally remain amateurs in terms of handling, helping, loving you…they are tourists.

I’m not saying these folks can’t be a blessing in some ways – you must simply manage your expectations.

Travelers in your life, however, are much more intentional. They are found asking questions, spending time - time after time - sinking their hooks into a richer experience for themselves and for memories with you. Actually knowing you more and more. 

It occurred to me that it’s easy to pass through this life – or at least a decade or more of it – with ‘tourist’ lightly written across own foreheads, too.

Somehow, we're not “all-in” in areas that we want to be.

From planning a party to real intimacy (emotional or otherwise!), as a ‘tourist,’ you merely get by. You do enough to avoid overly negative consequences, yet you’re very, very far from a medal.

You will get to the end of the race, as it were, but perhaps only because time ran out. Not because you ever saw the finish line.

As a tourist, you’re found ignoring the joy-filled, creative, adventurous side of yourself and just going through the motions.  

It’s easier in general to coast this way, but let’s be honest - we need a big kick in the butt, or we're going to miss our sweet lives.

How To Know When You’re In Tourist Mode:

There’s no spice, and precious few crazy-wonderful memories are being made. You’re just buying (and selling) souvenirs of a life half-lived with which to clutter your shelves when you’re old.

The ‘tourist vs. traveler’ conversation with my friend left me both encouraged and convicted.

It gave me the gift of a moment to step back and think afresh…about where I’m doing well (whew! ok!) and where I need to dig in and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

We must stop waiting for 'something to happen' before making a change. WE are that something. We must happen. 

Look in the mirror today, smile and think 'traveler.' How does that translate in your life? 


It's the weekend - no better time to get to where you want to be. Wheels up, y'all!


Love,
-Melinda

Photo Credit: Nancy Falconi/Photographer's Choice RF/Getty Images