Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

One Man's Quandary; One Woman's Attempt at Being Oprah.

I have a good guy friend in his late 40's who has never been married. He's not the only one I know - certainly, lots of great guys at mid-life haven't yet darkened the doors of the local Harry Winston in preparation for a love declaration.

But this gent is one of my very favorites. 

Over the several-year course of our friendship, he and I have delved with some regularity into the "why" behind his self-professed fear of commitment. 

He's a tremendous guy - intelligent, witty, handsome, masculine, ambitious and successful in his work. He's a multi-lingual Renaissance man who (I can personally attest) dances AND drives with confidence and style.

He's straight and great and…scared to death that he'll stink at communicating with his Forever Love and that the Big Relationship will go south as a result.

He occasionally opens up about wanting something a little deeper relationally - a long-term commitment, a marriage. We discuss all of this via email. 

Tidy. Safe.

To me, the idea of a man with great success in all areas of his life with the exception of the one that requires all of him - I don't know - I just want to see him Go For It. 

This gentleman friend recently encouraged me to publish in my blog the following email I sent him, which was part of our latest dialogue on commitment. 

He consistently has great ideas and insights for my life, so I'm going to do as he says.

Sooo…following was my email to him:

"At a polo match yesterday, I had the interesting fortune to be seated next to a couple that has been married 54 years. Their son was the host of the charity event. The parents had flown in from Louisiana to bring Andouille sausage for the pre-party gumbo, and to solidly participate in his life. Kinda beautiful. 

What also struck me was that this couple, after three kids, many moves, the Air Force and lots of living, was still very much in love. Wow.

I caught the husband (still handsome and with mischievous eyes in his late 70's) WINK at his wife in that 'girl I dig you and you are fine' way.

And she was gorgeous and totally beamed when he did that. It was magical and I wish I could tattoo my own arm with that moment so that I don't forget that what I want sat next to me. 

Like you, I too, for many years, would never fully give myself to love. I would watch someone develop feelings for me with a combination of happiness and dread.

My ability to hang in past the initial dating euphoria stage was severely limited by my inability to believe that satisfying love was made for me. 

I can tell you now from a couple of experiences that whole-hearted love and honesty is definitely terrifying in the 'jumping off the diving board’ portion.

I was so prone to locking up, looking at the warm water below and muttering crap-crap-crap! with fear in my throat...but once you're in the air, it's an intoxication worth any price. 

Love actually rewards courage. It doesn't guarantee outcomes, but that's what makes it exciting and fresh and personal every time. 

I've been crushed and cut by broken love, but the scars are, once healed, something that actually straightens one's spine.

You'd think that heart-hurt would deplete you over the long term, but in actuality, loving shows you what you're made of.

Far beyond work or adventure of any kind, love offers the greatest highs, the deepest teachings, the peace of understanding who you are."

Love,

-Melinda

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Photo Credits:

‘sorry NO’: ICHIRO/Digital Vision/Getty Images

‘Outstretched Hand and Cage’: Yasuhide Fumoto/Digital Vision/Getty Images