Love To Love You, Baby

Lots of folks - both men and women - are raised to be people-pleasers.

I was. Same for my sweet mom, who really tried to ensure that my emotional spine was a better representation of ‘healthy’ than the one she had been given.

As a Pleaser, you’re focused on making things perfect for everyone – but yourself. You tend to experience big highs from good feedback, and over-react to negative remarks.

In your desire to become what everyone needs, you forget what YOU need. And you stop shopping for it.

Charge on that way for too long, and you can emotionally (and sometimes, physically) run dry. Which leads you to inwardly resent the very folks you’re loving on.

The objects of your excessive efforts can’t figure out why you ‘started out so nice,’ and yet are turning emotionally constipated and snippy by the day.

Part of my growing up and opening up in this world has been learning what to share with others, and what to enjoy for myself - sans guilt; sans the 'Pity-Me-I'm-Such-a-Giver Show.'

No one watches that show by choice.

Achieving balance in giving and receiving comprises daily strokes of little, conscious decisions…until listening to your gut - which never lies about what it takes to make you whole - becomes more instinctive.

I’ve learned that occasionally hitting extremes of thoughtfulness is lovely for you and the recipient of your affection. Giving should not, however, be the full-orientation of your sweet psyche. 

If you've ever perused 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, you have an idea of the specific behaviors or ‘language’ that constitute ‘love’ in your eyes – actions by others that make your heart move a foot, rather than an inch, in their direction.

Your ‘language’ (one of the following: Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Receiving Gifts; Acts of Service or Physical Touch) is also the mode in which you will most naturally show affection to others.

For me, it's Receiving Gifts. So I also like to give them. And in my people-pleasing tendency, it has admittedly gotten a little out of control in the past - particularly in romantic relationships.

Any of my old friends will nod wildly if you ask them about this, having observed relationship-after-present-stuffed-relationship.

Me: "He likes sweets? I'll bake something for him every week."

Me again: “He just got a new promotion? We should celebrate somewhere amazing, on me. Where’s my passport?”

Whoa. Overload.

How is a man supposed to respond to that?

So I’ve given up on my old friend, Overkill. And am working at allowing myself to do some balanced receiving.

Matchmaker, author and altogether straight-shooting gal Patty Stanger shared a formula for women re: gift giving in relationships that made instant good-sense to me:

Allow a man to give you two gifts for every one you give him.

Per Patty, this ratio allows your man the leadership/providing role in your relationship, which is where most men are comfortable.

2-to-1 also ensures you, the female, are actively engaged in being a blessing, without taking over in that category.

Whether it’s about dating, work-life, or relationships with friends and family, getting healthy about giving and receiving may feel strange on your skin for awhile. But the grown-up you will grow to like it.

And so will the folks around you.

Donna Summer belted ‘Love To Love You, Baby’ in the 70’s. Listen to it, and you’ll remember that anthem has ZERO doormat/martyr factor!

Ms. Summer got the mix just right. Sexy-strong-committed. She wasn’t baking 12 dozen cookies for her love when she wrote that, I get the feeling. But she was definitely cooking.

Whew!

Love,

-Melinda

Photo Credits:

Paper Heart: http://leloveimage.blogspot.ca

How To Love Someone: Clara Z/Flickr

Cry Love: Minimil/Vetta/Getty Images